A colleague passed their final module of the last hurdle to being a Chartered Accountant today. Yes, I’m an Accountant, one day, eventually; I’ll be a Chartered Accountant, assuming I ever get around to completing the last module… and pass the exam. It’s great, for her. I’m happy, for her. I’m shattered, for me.
I read a post on mighty recently about how you can feel two emotions, or more, at once. Grief and happiness, was the example this girl used when talking about her sister falling pregnant – when her chronic disease meant she might never bear children. That hit home too. A lot has been hitting home lately. Home is bruised and broken, metaphorically.
See, my colleague is younger than I am (18 months… who’s counting?), she finished University a year later than I did (I’m counting), and she’s gone through this program with no breaks at all (I’m an Accountant, but even I can’t count the number of breaks I’ve had), even picking herself up and dusting herself off after she failed a module, to pass it on the supplementary exam.
I’ve not really been bludging my way through this (well… kind of), see I started off after University having a 6 month break, I went on my big solo University Celebration Trip with my Mum, was diagnosed with Crohns Disease and battled my way through, at that point in time, the worst six months of health I’d had yet. Since then, I’ve basically done one module a year, when you can do up to three. I did manage two modules one year, but… quickly learnt my lesson – I suffered. I passed the units, I stayed alive, but at moments it felt like by the barest of margins (the 51 was pretty representative!). Yes, I’m now putting the final module off because it coincided with a trip my best friend and I wanted to take, but living is now the most important thing in my life.
The pass result of my colleague today served as a reminder that I’m falling behind. I’m failing at being the best version of me I’d thought I would always be years ago. My career path is no longer on track, heck, most days the train isn’t even on the tracks anymore. One day this will all work out, I’m almost sure.